But I don’t want to worry so much anymore
Am I afraid to visit my friends now? How can you live more and more cowardly?
I said angrily, "If you don’t worry about who is suspicious, doubt it. Anyway, whether I come or not will not make the queen mother like me. I can’t come to see my friends because he is unhappy."
"Xiaoyan, you are so childish." Xie Tingjun was surprised and wide-eyed.
"I was born with a childlike nature, and my sexual freedom was unfettered, but after I came to the palace, everything changed. As a queen, I have to be careful what I say and do, and strive to meet the standards of the queen."
I poured out my heart at will. "Actually, I feel very annoyed. I am forced to constantly compromise here. There are many things that I know are wrong and I can’t help myself. This is probably that the more I get, the more I lose. I become timid, weak and unhappy."
I’ve been depressed for too long, Bai Xihuang. I’ve been enduring all kinds of dissatisfaction and injustice and all kinds of darkness in the palace.
But now I’m at a loss myself. Am I doing the right thing?
I was naive to think about changing the environment around me, and I can transform my cold lover with my passion and hard work.
Now it seems that the world has not changed because of me, nor has Bai Xihuang changed because of me.
It’s me who finally changed.
If I had known that Bai Xihuang had killed so many kooks, I would probably have wanted to cut him with a knife.
But now I question him and scold him, but I hate him.
I’ve long lost that personality of hate.
Xie Tingjun comforted me, "You are asking too much of yourself because you still have a conscience. You will live very tired if you don’t like dirty things. Being here is not suitable for you. The leisurely life like Yueyuan is what you pursue."
"But life is always difficult. If you could give up, he would have left long ago. Since you can’t give up, you should follow your heart and value love more. Even if it may not be your ideal happiness, it must be considered happiness. You should know how to choose perfect happiness. If you still want happiness, you must settle for second best."
Xie Tingyun’s words puzzled me.
I really don’t fit in the living palace, but I can’t give up Bai Xihuang at the same time.
However, my personality tends to be perfectionist, and I always hope that everything can be done according to my wishes.
I tried to change Bai Xihuang and wanted him to be my ideal perfect object.
However, neither reality nor him can be changed because of my little personal experience, so I can’t accept this kind of frustration.
Maybe I’m asking too much.
If I knew how to step back and broaden the horizon, would Bai Xihuang and I not be too stiff?
I still remember that when I left Yulong Palace yesterday, Bai Xihuang promised me not to assassinate again.
He begged me to forgive and stay with him in a low voice.
And I left.
"Can you be happy if you settle for second place?" I said to myself.
"How do you know if you don’t try?" Xie Tingjun encouraged me to smile.
Yes, I have always been afraid to pursue happiness completely because of various concerns.
I have reservations about him and dare not tell him my background.
Since I love him, I should guarantee him everything, along with his shortcomings, and he should go with me.
I whizzed up and threw a ray of sunshine into my heart.
I don’t think Bai Xihuang and I have a long way to go.
"Xie Tingjun, thank you. I have been puzzled by the problem. You woke me up. I am too self-centered. When I feel that I can change him by myself, I can’t stand it. Everyone has his own independent personality. If it is changed so easily, maybe he is not Bai Xihuang."
I love Bai Xihuang, not the perfect man I imagined.
Maybe I won’t love a really perfect man.
"Well, when you can accept all his faults, you will be happy."
All the way back to the Department of Cure Too much, I tried to find a way to resolve the contradiction between Bai Xihuang and me.
I packed my medicine chest and put some medical records in order to give them to Qi Yun.